Not Finished, Yet | The Speckled Goat: Not Finished, Yet


Not Finished, Yet

It’s six o’clock, and I’ve already changed into a pair of bright pink, fuzzy leggings. Because apparently my work “uniform” of jeans and a camp t-shirt is too stuffy. It's like the universal symbol of "done for the day."

The laundry I folded yesterday sits in little piles on the living room floor.

We’re having frozen pizza for supper- for the third time this week. Despite the fact that I actually planned a meal, I got home today and decided that cooking is too much work and washing dishes afterward is way too much work.

I have motivational quotes ringing in my mind: “This is not your practice life!”

But you know what?

Sometimes,  I kind of wish this was my practice life.

There are times when nearly-thirty-and-married-with-a-house me looks a lot like college me. Aren’t I supposed to be a grown-up by now?

I mean, real adults make healthy meals, right? And real adults choose to put away the laundry instead of watching the stupid movie.

And real adults don’t wake up ten minutes before they’re supposed to leave for work and then run around like a crazy person, throwing food at the poor dog and wearing two different socks.

(Not that that happened this morning or anything. Ahem.)

It seems kind of silly, sometimes, but there's a deep-seated insecurity there.

I feel guilty. Guilty because I’m not living up to the way I thought I’d be, to the way that I thought I should be. To my image of what the “right life” should look like.

I should just throw myself into the pit of despair. They should revoke my adult card. I’ll be 17 forever. All hope is lost.

I seem to think that it’s now or never. Like the fact that I still don’t know how to can green beans, or that I procrastinate in doing laundry, or that I still bite my nails means that will never change, never learn.

But then I look at all the ways that I have changed. All the things that I have learned. 

In just the past year, 

I've let go of some of that control I hold onto so tightly. 
I started leading a small group. 
I've written something like 140 articles (for this blog alone) and published them. 
I went to a blogging conference. 
I've organized and processed registration information for more than 2,000 campers. 

In one year. All these things. All these risks. All this learning. 

They may not seem like big things at the moment- they may not seem like they're all that important in the day-in-day-out drudge of it all. 

Change doesn't always happen in that giant stretch or that big milestone. Sometimes change happens in the small stuff- in the little, daily decisions that make us who we are. 

So yeah, I'm going to sit with my fuzzy leggings and ignore that pile of laundry for today. 

Frozen pizza will get us by, once again. 

Because this day is important, but all those "failures?" The ways I haven't measured up to my expectations just yet? 

It's okay. 

God's got it under control. He knows my weaknesses, and He knows how He plans to use them. 

And He's not finished with me, yet. 

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  1. How I can relate to you Ally! I just got married, just turned 30, just moved to my " adult" house. Working full time, taking care of the dog...I also get up 10 minutes before work etc. Loved the way you made me think about the things that we did do, it made me look at my last year , planning the wedding, finding a house, planning our 3 week honeymoon to the US ( I live in Portugal) working, and all the other stuff. Thank you, you made me feel a bit better and reassured!

    1. Oh, you have no idea how much better you made me feel, Sofia! I'm so glad I'm not the only one who feels this way sometimes.

      Congratulations on your wedding, house, dog.... you've certainly accomplished a lot this year, sister! =)

      Lord, please be with Sofia as she transitions into this new stage of life. Bless and strengthen her marriage- bring them both closer to one another and to you, day by day.

  2. Real adults... (snicker) at fifty (and change) I may not have 'fully grown up' but I'm still an adult. LOL

    #AtoZChallenge E is for Elle

    1. Haha- I feel you, Mary. I kind of feel like as I get older, I realize that all those adults who I thought had it all together? Yeah, they were totally making it up.

  3. I love this! As long as your bills are paid (unless you are experiencing the tragedy of unemployment) and your kids are okay - for those who have them - you are "adulting" just right. Being an adult just means you are more busy and tired. Nothing wrong with getting the pizza. That will leave you with the energy to do more important things!

  4. I've actually been thinking about this a lot lately. I feel like I cannot keep up with all my adult tasks and it can be really depressing sometimes. I'm trying to be more positive and realize that I am doing my best and my best is all I can do--and that I do a lot of good. As long as I am keeping my real priorities straight, it's okay if I have 4 baskets of unfolded laundry upstairs and a sink full of dishes.

    1. That's very true-- the big priorities are the most important things- the rest will come. =)

  5. I'm almost 40 and I'm still waiting to feel like a "real adult". ; ) I loved reading this. We're all works in progress- and only God knows how he is using, even our weaknesses, for his glory.
    Thank you for linking with Grace and Truth last week.