Leaning into It: Finding Myself in the Fear | The Speckled Goat: Leaning into It: Finding Myself in the Fear


Leaning into It: Finding Myself in the Fear

Leaning Into It | Instead giving in to fear, hiding your talents, shrugging off your hurts, not taking yourself seriously... maybe it's time to lean into it.

I woke up before the alarm on my little nightstand went off. The sun hadn't even started to peak over the empty fields.

I wasn't up because I was perfectly rested. I was far from refreshed and ready for the day.

No, I was awake because my nerves hadn't really let me sleep, in the first place.

See, I was headed to a blogging conference that day. My very first blogging conference. With real live people, none of whom I really knew. And I'd have to talk to them. Like a real person.

No hiding behind a keyboard at this conference. No editing my words before I said them. And I had to wear real clothing... my fuzzy pink leggings (read: my "blogging uniform") would stay in the dresser.

And then, if all that wasn't enough to give me butterflies in my stomach, I would be introducing myself as... a... blogger.


Yes, I realize that technically I've been writing here since 2014 (yikes), and that's made me a blogger for nearly two years.

I get that.

But still.

I don't think I'd actually ever said it out loud. Not really.

Because deep down inside of me, I don't feel like I'm "worthy."

I've got impostor syndrome. Even though I write here, even though my words are read by tens of ... tens of people (ha), I still feel a little like I'm faking it.

A few months ago, I was standing next to my husband when an acquaintance brought up the fact that I have a blog.

"Oh, yeah," I said, "I do a little writing sometimes on my little blog. It's nothing big, really."

(I'm pretty sure I rambled on and on after that, because I'm socially awkward in real life.)

In the car, only minutes later, my husband asked, "Why don't you take your blog seriously? You're always downplaying it, making it seem like it's unimportant."

And yes, I do that.

Because if I take this hobby of mine seriously... then what? What if I let someone in on the secret that I'm actually pretty into this thing and they read the blog and they hate it?

Or what if they think it's no good? Or they think to themselves, ".... Really? This is what she spends hours on? Her writing is terrible, her insights are poopy, she's definitely not funny, and her pictures are the worst!"

The truth is, I'm afraid. 

I don't think I'm alone in this.

I think a lot of women downplay their interests. Veil their gifts. Make their talents a secret.

Because we're afraid that we'll fail, or be exposed as invaluable or silly.

We package up our hurts in neat, palatable chunks that won't offend anyone, and won't reveal ragged edges. We laugh off our insecurities so our friends don't know just how deep they run- wrapping it into a funny story.

Because if someone knew- if someone knew how much I care about this- then they'd have power over it. They'd be able to crush me. They'd cut right to the core with their criticism or their disdain, or even worse, their indifference.

So instead, we laugh. We shrug. We downplay. We only let in the few and the trusted. 

But isn't that worse? 

We're letting the fear win.

(I'm letting the fear win.)

Instead of running towards the things God has for me, I'm taking tentative, halting steps. Instead of diving in to this scary-yet-beautiful thing, I'm on the edge with my toe in the water.

Instead of letting someone come and speak life to the broken stuff, to the insecurity, to the fear, I am closing myself off. 

The scariest things are sometimes the most beautiful.

It's okay to care. It's okay to make it a big deal. It's okay to not be finished, yet. It's okay to put yourself out there and let someone else in.

So yes. I'm a blogger.

And that scares me. 

But I'm leaning into it.

DISCLOSURE: In order for me to support my blogging habit, I may receive monetary compensation or other types of remuneration for my endorsement, recommendation, testimonial and/or link to any products or services from this blog. You may see a full disclosure by clicking on my "About" page. I will only promote products that I use, enjoy, or take a shine to. All opinions and reviews are my own and are not influenced by any compensation I may receive.


  1. You are an awesome Blogger!!! Love to read your insights!!!!

  2. "Tens of tens" Hahaha! (Even funnier is after I typed "tens of" my word predictor suggested "millions" 🙄) We'll get there some day!
    I think my biggest fear is expectations - real or self-imposed. If blogging is just something I do and it sucks, so what? But if it is something I AM --> game changer!

    I've never been to a bloggers' conference yet, but would love to go! Next time you should take me, and we can together pretend to be awesome bloggers! (Because maybe we actually are!)

    Loved this! Thanks for sharing!


    1. Ha- tens of millions. Yeah.. I'm thinking that's a long way off. (A loooong way off). And that's okay.

      You're totally right- my expectations make this thing much scarier. Because if I'm a blogger, then shouldn't I have "followers?" An "audience?" Actual "traffic?" And then I put numbers on all those things and bash myself over the head with them when I don't meet my goals.

      And you should totally go to a blogging conference. Because they're really fun. And also because you meet cool people. And also because it's nice to talk to someone about SEO and platforms without getting blank stare. ;)

    2. Yes! Which conference did you go to? I'm really a newbie so I'm not all that familiar with what conferences are out there!

    3. I went to the Iowa Blogger Conference (I live in Iowa...so... ) I just searched for blogging conferences in Iowa, and there it was!

  3. I've been known to downplay my blog too and guess what, my husband also questions why I don't give myself as much credit as I should. Sounds like we both have some supportive men in our lives, which is great to keep us ambitious yet grounded. And it was great seeing you at your first blogger conference ;)

  4. This is beautiful! I certainly resonate with what you say. :)

  5. Love this post! I feel it too, Ally...that fear, that feeling that I'm not "enough", that what I say won't really matter....but to Him it does. And isn't this where He brought us....to this place? This scary, edge of the cliff place? Because He wants us to "lean" into Him. Thank you for your beautiful words! They encouraged my heart. - Amy

  6. This is an interesting perspective, thanks for writing about it. I also feel nervous about mentioning my blogging in job interviews. I get the impression from people that "anyone can blog, prove you're better".

  7. I feel the same about my blogging. I never talk about it because I'm kind of afraid..okay like really afraid to let people in on what I'm doing! It's scary to put yourself out there sometimes.